Thankful anyway Thursday -

It has been a long time since my last blog so prepare yourself for a rant or ten. I feel so out of balance on so many fronts, have been let down on many levels by various people and situations –too sensitive to blog about. Many plans had to change of late which caused stress on lots of levels which had a huge impact on the children and the atmosphere around us all. However, that has passed and now we are trying to start the gentle snuggle into Christmas without work and financial issues taking over.

First rant - camera still not working and can't get new one at present so muddling on with outside shots and dimly lit interiors as flash exploded marvellously on my birthday. Actually given up altogether as batteries draining all the time - boo hiss.

Unrealistic expectations, mine. I am a dreamer always have been and have always wanted to create a nurturing secure environment for myself and my family, self sufficient and welcoming, warm and loving. But when family or friends don't share my ideals I feel hurt and let down, I just wish I could accept that people will always have their own agenda and own set of beliefs - good and bad.

Outside influences - my kids are now being influenced by others in a way that I feel out of sync with. It was only to be expected as one is now 9 but still sad as what is important in life is taking 2nd place it seems, whereas shiny new things are making a real impact.

Work Ethic - I am very lucky and mostly work from home in Italy but this means I have to go to the UK at least every 6 weeks for a week at a time which means I actually spend months away from home and my loving family each year which is killing me. No matter how hard I work or no matter how hard I try it seems that I am constantly feeling under pressure to try harder - my own self esteem issues raising their ugly head again.

Finances - after years of being a freelance PR and writer I have still not mastered the art of being paid properly or on time. This and the Euro means that I battle every month to even cover basic costs such as food bills, I have had enough of this situation and it has to change dramatically. I feel a new burst of book writing on its way.

Green eyed monster - following other mamas blogs gives me so much encouragement and inspiration but it does also push the 'not good enough' button in some ways. I always feel a little envious as many of you seem to survive without working or are managing far better than I. I wish I could shift this niggling feeling and just accept that what I do is simply good enough.

ENOUGH of that -------

Now the real goodies, the wonderful soul rubbing, heart warming, melting moments of beauty in my life:

• Snoring hound to my left asleep on the 40 year old chair
• Dozing kittens in the kitchen with their different personalities and wonderful spirit raising energies
• Husband who boosts my enthusiasm when I am down, irons, cleans and makes bread
• The clear winter sun bursting through my window
• The hope and courage that next year brings
• The slightly charred snowmen buns that by kids don't like but the dog does
• My faith in the power of positivity and nature to overcome the hard times
• Good true friends who love me anyway
• The glorious Tuscan hills, the tiny plumes of winter bonfires and low cloud in the valley
• The tiny and chokingly pretty nativity scenes in the churches and villages
• My daughters knowledge that father Christmas’s elves never get stood on as they are way too small
• My son's determination to still believe in Father Christmas even though evidence gives doubt
• Family near and far that do have an impact on us - good and bad
• Elders who have seen much more than I and have so much to give
• The logs that will arrive on Friday - yippee
• The crisp winter days tip-toeing to Christmas which I love with all my heart
• The fact that my migraine has finally gone
• The beautiful bloggers who bring me and inbox full of happiness.